The questions and the answers

[greyerrant]

[ A video post to the COMP network ]

[ Garviel stares into the screen for a moment his helm removed, his expression... pensive. ]

What defines humanity? At what point is someone so altered they are no longer human, and what emotions can we lose before are are not even remotely humane? I am curious.

Comments

[maybe_a_king]

Then do you believe in your own thoughts and feelings?

[greyerrant]

Well, of course. I can perceive those.

[maybe_a_king]

And do those feel human to you?

[greyerrant]

How would I know? I was recently questioned about my inability to feel fear, and then... I felt it upon me due to the sorcerous nature of our foe. It was... unpleasant.

[maybe_a_king]

As did I. It was the reason I sought to resume my training shortly before the attack itself happened. I did not appreciate having my thoughts twisted in such a manner.

[Luckily for her pride she hadn't been kicking and screaming, even as the icy feeling clung to her. Yet she had been stupid, thoughtless, and wound up in one of the most embarrassing situations of her young life, even if it may have potentially been what kept her safe in her state.]

I do not understand. Forgive me, Mr. Loken, but how can someone not feel fear? Furthermore, what would the ability to feel fear have to do with whether or not you see yourself as human?

[greyerrant]

I know others perceive me as a monster. And, as for feeling fear, it was hypnoconditioned out of me during my training as a Legiones Astartes. Also, the genehancing techniques used to make a warrior like myself remove our physiological fear response more or less entirely. We can still produce kill-hormones and adrenaline rushes for battle, but we don't have a flight response short-circuiting our logic when we fight.

[maybe_a_king]

It does not matter how others perceive you, only you yourself.

[Hi pot. Talk to kettle. Arturia knows she's not all she seems and it's moments like this she's sorely tempted to try and make her uncle tell her the full truth. However, she knows that prying won't do any good. She'd tried so many times in the past and he hadn't yielded. Yet he made a promise to her and he had never once broken his word to her. He will tell her once she finishes high school.

If it wasn't for Rin explaining magi to her and showing her some basics, Arturia would probably think she is some kind of freak, too.]

So you never fear your mission will fail when the tide is turned against you? Or that your comrades will fall? Or that you will fail those you swore to protect?

["Did you ever feel as I did when the Blood Fort went up around the school?" is what she's not saying.]

Forgive my own question. I do not think you inhuman, I simply wish to understand.

[greyerrant]

I thank you for the kind words then, many consider me a monster because of my stature and abilities.

[ He is quiet for a moment, considering. ] We have apprehension, and once I knew fear that my gene-father would die, if only because... no son wishes death upon his father. No son worthy of the name, anyway. [ His voice is momentarily very bitter. ]

As for fear of failure, loss of my brethren, or failure in my oaths? Well, I am sometimes apprehensive about those things, and our litany does describe our fear as only of failing, but my brethren are already dead, so I have nothing left to lose on that account.

[maybe_a_king]

[That gives her pause of her own, her eyes widening for a moment before she looks away, trying to find the right words. Yet all that comes out is....]

....they're already dead?

[greyerrant]

Yes. I saw them die on Istvaan III about a year ago. I was the only one left, and spent 6 months wandering a devastated world populated only be daemons and traitors, mad with grief.

[maybe_a_king]

I.... I....

[Pause, a deep breath.]

I apologize. I don't know what to say. Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" seems too diminishing of loss of that magnitude.

[greyerrant]

There is nothing to say. I thank you for your sympathy, but I still have my honor and my duty to the Emperor and humanity. I require nothing more.

[maybe_a_king]

Very well then. I shall say no more on the matter. [Yet she can't understand how he could go on after a loss like that. Wasn't avoiding a scenario like that why she'd fought so hard to keep the Blood Fort from killing her friends and schoolmates? Arturia could only see herself as nothing but devastated if she and Rin and their Servants hadn't stopped it--if Archer hadn't murdered Sakura's brother. And yet Garviel is able to go one without any of his comrades-in-arms? The people he calls brothers? Yes, he'd been mad with grief, but what had managed to pull him out of it? His duty and honor?

....wow. He really was the knightly type if such was the case.]

But I still believe that, if you see yourself as human, then you are. You may not be able to feel fear, but clearly you can feel grief, and sorrow, and are able to care about others and about your cause. Others might not understand it, and I myself do not presume to, but you are a good man, Mr. Loken.

[greyerrant]

Hmh. Thank you for saying so. [ In truth, he isn't sure anymore what he is becoming. The death of the Dark Angel at Aldurukh, driven by necessity though it might have been, has sadened him greatly. ]